Excessive Apologies: Ways to Stop the Cycle

For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.